thebatdojo: Jiu Jitsu Life...

So...I was thinking about the various characters around the many dojo's I've visited and trained at. For 30 years I've witnessed the carnage that is the "student". I of course am one of those train wrecks :)

I've decided to draw pictures(poorly) of a few examples of what one sees in a typical Americanized Brazilian Jiu Jitsu school.

The first is the Average Joe. He want's to learn self defense, and to get in shape. Does not want to be in MMA or fight in a Mexican jail for food scraps. In general he's pretty much prey for the rest of the school...

Next is the Brick Shit House. He's the mean bastard who likes to smash your guts but can't get a damn sub to save his life. Typical matches involve him laying on you for 5 minutes, then you going to the doc for compression fractures in your spine. Also, the instructor hates you for denting the mats with your face after rolling with this guy...

The fat guy. Yes, I said it. Round, rotund and impossible to get a guard on. Although he has no cardio, never underestimate his initial burst of Twinkie supplied energy. Surprisingly fast when Krispy Kreme is involved; he will roll over you uncontrollably... Watch out for your balls. (and lunch)

Every gym has a 'roid hound. The guy who claims never to have taken steroids. The military milked his breasts for some form of super soldier serum. He's strong enough to throw actual Grim Reapers at you during rolls. He has zero technique, his primary defense against your guard pass is to lift you with one hand, while shooting up an anabolic with the other. His only sub is to SCREAM; you die from the air compression smashing your atoms into a fusible mass, you then implode into a nano-sized black hole.

F*cking Noobs. These little shits will wreck you. NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A NOOB. Later drawings will show why. Because they cannot tie their belts or pronounce "omoplata" correctly only means one thing: they believe their primary purpose on the mats is to have some sort of spastic-colon retard fight with you. They will attack you at 2000% during drills and try to punch your babies.

This bastard is just the huge guy in the corner no one, not even the instructor will roll with. Strong, huge and ugly; this guy will simply eat you and your pet goat. No one knows where he(or she?) came from, because no one will speak to...it. Or perhaps it just cannot speak?

The tall guy: Mr Rubber Guard Guy, Mr Spider Guard Guy, Mr. HaHa You Can't Pass My Guard Guy, Mr Triangle You All Day Guy. A message from us short people, "Fuck you".

The Token Girl. Fear her. Just because she is a girl, one should not take her lightly. She been known to blog on her website: cutsy.sparkly.glitter-jiujitsu-unicorngirl.blogspot.com about how she quote, "..and then I f*cking choked the ever living shit out of him for not doing the proper IBJJF handshake at the beginning of our roll. I mean come on! Even my puppy, snookie wookums knows you slap hands, then fist bump. Next time that son of a bitch rolls with me I'm going rip his cup off and gore his eye out...Love Pretty Princess"